Love is an ongoing, evolving experience, not something that can be won or lost. If you’re single this Valentine’s Day, explore a new perspective on the desire for love.

When we are young, many of us are concerned with dating, finding the right person, and settling down. Not all of us end up doing those things, and as we get older, we find we’re still looking for a partner while others around us have found theirs. Or, perhaps, we've settled down just fine, but then our relationship ends and we find ourselves single once again. Single life can involve a lot of “It’s fine, it’s fine, I don’t need anyone!” Which may well be true. But that doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to want someone.

Then there’s Wade. His family is loving, but they have also experienced very little stress on their family system. Water people were the first to arrive in Element City, and their primacy is never questioned. He falls in love with Ember with a gentle naïveté. He keeps insisting that it could work, that fire and water could mix, that everything is going to be okay. There is a moment when he says to Ember—in front of a full crowd of Fire people, nonetheless: “I love you, Ember Lumen. And I’m pretty sure you love me, too.” Only someone with secure attachment—like really secure attachment—could say such a thing.

When we are attracted to unhealed people, it’s often because of unhealed wounds within ourselves. Learn more about working with intuition to unravel conditioning in relationships.

What, exactly, is attraction? We often think of it in terms of a romantic draw towards someone with particular looks, or a type, but as many of us have experienced, our romantic interest in someone has so much more to do with things like the way they talk, what they are interested in, their mannerisms, and other mysterious factors. What if one of those mysterious factors is our own deeply held attachment wounds? What if attraction actually is our wounds trying to heal?

Food and love are inextricably linked. The association is old: when we are babies, food almost always comes alongside touch, with the closeness of a caregiver. Most babies quickly learn that when they cry, they generally get milk. We learn early on that food soothes. When we get older, food can become a replacement for love.