A Hope Update: When Things Don’t Work Out
This is from my May 2023 newsletter.
A couple of newsletters ago, I wrote about my complicated relationship with hope. A lot of you reached out to tell me that you could relate. I was writing about a practice I was trying where I let myself hope, even knowing I was taking the risk of getting hurt. In order to do this, I had to remind myself that I could handle it if something bad happened. Well, I am proud to say that I did practice that hope. I let myself be optimistic and was gentle with myself when I had moments of panic and anxiety. I asked for help and support from Spirit while knowing that wouldn’t guarantee any outcome for me. And sure enough, the worst happened. I did not get what I wanted but rather ended up in exactly the place I feared (in almost a literal repeat of the bad things that happened the last time).
So how am I doing? I am okay. I knew about the risk I was taking when I allowed myself to hope. I know that fear and anxiety don’t cause bad things to happen, and thinking positively doesn’t guarantee that things will go well. I know I’m not to blame—not my thoughts, not my intentions, not my connection to spirit or lack thereof. I know that sometimes things happen for no discernible reason and it’s really freaking unfair, but that I can still be okay.
Image by Andi McLeish
I think it’s very difficult to work through the concept of thinking positively and that word “manifesting.” I do think setting intentions and aligning ourselves with the outcomes we want can help—it can keep us on track, help us say yes to opportunities, and avoid getting in our own way. But when we think that having a negative thought is going to cause a negative outcome, we create unnecessary anxiety and a dangerous urge to suppress or avoid our natural feelings of grief, anger, sadness, fear, and so on. Yes, we need to watch out for how we’re telling stories about ourselves and the world—these stories not only can become self-fulfilling prophecies (psychologically, not because they are magic), but they can actually help us avoid feeling those deeper feelings. Stories that start with things like “I’ll never” or “I’ll always” make us feel bad in familiar, comprehensible ways, ironically protecting us from the big, incoherent feelings sitting beneath the stories. Getting out of our heads and letting our feelings move through our bodies can be intense, but it’s the only way of really allowing the feelings to express what they need and then let us go.
So yes, I am okay. The bad outcome happened, but I no longer fear my big, incomprehensible feelings. I can see the life I will have on the other side of not getting what I want. I know humans are adaptable and we tend to do fine with whatever cards we’re dealt, even if it’s not what we wanted or expected. I’m not going to hope for this particular thing anymore, but I’m still going to allow hope in other ways. I’m still going to believe that, just as crappy things happen for no reason, good things sometimes happen, too. It’s not hope’s fault things didn’t work out. I don’t know whose fault it is and if there was a manager to take this up with, you better believe I would. But, in the meantime, I’ve got my feelings and I know they are all okay. So I’m gonna be okay, too.
Blame is just an echo of pain, a veil across the face of the one you blame. I blame God. I want to blame the boss of God about God. What if the boss of God is rain and the only way to speak to rain is to open your mouth to the sky and drown?
From Obit by Victoria Chang, shared with me by my friend Erin Kirsh.